Canadian grocery shopping is an all-around suckfest right now, and I don't know about you, but I've personally been avoiding entering anything with the words "lob" or "laws" on it.
Enter, Dollarama. The bargain retailer, as many Ontarians know, can be an excellent place to grocery shop, especially if you have an aversion to $4 cans of soup or are tempted by giant walls of vintage cheese.
But, although shopping at the iconic dollar store can make anyone feel like a winner from time to time, it does also try to sling a fair amount of hot garbage to people, seemingly under the motto: "It's dirt cheap, who cares."
So, to help my fellow citizens avoid buying barely sellable crap, I thought I'd go over my top picks for things I'd never buy at Dollarama.
Greeting cards
Greeting cards.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: Nothing says I don't care about you better than when you hand a $1 dollar greeting card over to a loved one. The so-called heartfelt messages in these cards are embarrassingly generic, and most of the designs look like they ripped off a Windows 95 screensaver.
Toilet paper
Toilet paper.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: Two-ply is not something you want waiting for you when you get home. That's just plain disrespectful to your bottom, bro. I get it. It's rough out there, the man upstairs is trying to sling broccoli for an arm and a leg, but toilet paper is not where you want to make your cuts. Find out where the sales are and get yourself some quality teepee. You're worth it, cover girl.
Pregnancy/ovulation test
Pregnancy/ovulation test.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: OK, I get why someone might buy these tests at Dollarama. After all, how advanced can a technology that you pee on be right? However, my desire to know whether or not my and my partner's life is about to change forever reliably is worth going to a nearby pharmacy and spending a few more dollars. Just saying.
Razors
Razors.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: Maybe it's just the endless commercials that Gillette has beamed into my head, but buying a super flimsy blade to shave my neck with just sounds like a recipe for a big boy ouchie to me. Plus, the one I have now has a little ball thing in it, I don't know what it does, but I'm glad it's there.
Shampoo
Shampoo.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: First, the bottle looks more like a product you'd use to clean your toilet bowl. As a card-carrying member of the long-haired dude community, I feel I have a responsibility to maintain a "sick flow" at all times, which means investing more funds into my hair care products these days. No sulphates for me.
Toys
Toys.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: I know this may seem like a brutal take, but hear me out. I grew up lower middle class in the early 2000s, so I've tested out plenty of Dollarama-bought toys and can tell you firsthand that they are but bright junk. That bow isn't "shooting" out a single one of those "arrows" at anything, and I can still feel those army helmets cutting into my nine-year-old scalp.
Halloween costume
Halloween costume.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: I feel like I could just show you the picture of this one, and you'd get it. But, I don't know, maybe you'd like to dress up as a Grade 3 teacher dressed as a clown. It could be meta. It's a no from me, though, dawg. However, if you are a student or in a pinch, I'm not going to hold this route against you. Horrifying as it may be.
Batteries
Batteries.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: Or dead batteries. I used to buy these to power my Xbox controllers back in high school, and they would die almost immediately. I'm not sure what the legal amount of "juice" you have to put in a battery to sell it is, but I have a feeling Panasonic is going for the absolute minimum.
Headphones
Headphones.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: If you buy your headphones at Dollarama, please know that you've never actually heard your Spotify playlist, just a trebly, buzzy mess. You're also probably listening to things in mono, not on purpose, but because only one of your headphones works for some reason, even though you just bought it. You can get good quality headphones for $30, don't rob yourself of hearing the bass drop, friend.
Cologne
Cologne.
Why You Shouldn't Buy It: I could never do this to myself or anyone sharing an elevator or small room with me. I didn't wear cologne for years simply because I couldn't justify dropping $50 on a bottle. No date ever called me out on it. But I'm guessing they would if I smelled like a gas pump.
I'd say as a whole Dollarama, although flawed, is still a gem, especially when it comes to snacks, silverware, and school supplies. Don't come for me!
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