100 Hilarious Fake Stats About Canada You Didn't Realize You Needed In Your Life
Probably the best way to learn about Canada is not by reading a textbook or an encyclopedia, but rather by going through Twitter. Yes, Twitter.
The parody account @Stats_Canada is dedicated to informing the world of how great our country is... Using fake stats. Run by six writers, the account sends out hilarious tweets about Canada in good-natured, self-deprecating fun.
Despite the fact that the tweets are fake, you can still learn a lot about Canada and it's whimsical culture through them. Here are 100 hilarious fake stats about Canada on Twitter:
92% of Canadians are putting away the summer plaid and bringing out the fall plaid
To save time, 76% of Canadians on vacation in the US just tell people they're from Toronto
45,000 Canadians died fighting Nazis in WW2. Canadians in 2017 must remain as committed to fighting this hatred as ever
18% of Rush songs haven't ended yet
Canadian tweens spend 81% of geography class laughing at names of towns in Newfoundland
65% of Dragons' Den pitches are longer than Kevin O'Leary's political career
There's a 100% chance Donald Trump is mad at Canada's dairy industry because he thought milk bags were something else
99% of Leafs fans blame Justin Bieber
2% of the crowd at the Air Canada Centre are there to hear Cotton Eyed Joe
Playoff overtime is the number one cause of clenched butts in Canada
Montreal Canadiens games take twice as long to play because the players have to swear at their opponents in French and English
63% of Canadians will cross the street if they see a gaggle of Canadian geese ahead of them on the sidewalk
100% of Leafs fans can't even right now
0% of Canadians need to choose between an iPhone and healthcare
There's a 24% chance that Ryan Gosling knew there had been a mixup at the Oscars but was too polite to say anything
The percentage of attention-seeking Canadians wearing shorts during winter has increased by 1200%
Rob Ford's tenure as mayor was 43% less chaotic than the current Trump administration
72% of Canadians aren't sure if Joe Trudeau is ready to be prime minister
Justin Trudeau spent seven hours practicing his handshake over the weekend
THIS TWEET IS NOT AVAILABLE IN YOUR COUNTRY
The most commonly used phrase in Canadian English is "Please Play Again"
Canadian groundhog predictions:
- 4 weeks of Roll up the Rim
- 12 months of Don Cherry yelling
- 150 years of ignoring the First Nations
Donald Trump is able to Roll Up The Rim 61% faster than the average person on account of his little hands
Canada will impose a 20% tax on any pop singers, movie stars, or hockey players exported to the US
71% of Canadian protest signs are taped to hockey sticks
More Canadians attend the opening of a new Canadian Tire than there are people at the Inauguration right now
77% of Ontarians compulsively shout "gagnant!" whenever they hear the word "winner"
68% of Canadians have peed with skates on
The warmest spot in Canada today was St. Catharines, ON. The coldest spot was two steps out from your shower.
0% of Canadians who drink tonight should drive tonight
96% of Christmas wishes involve Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling getting back together
88% of Canadian babies are conceived during Michael Buble's Christmas special
87% of Canadian adults visiting home are abusing their parent's wifi this Christmas
71% of Canadians are wondering when their neighbour is going to clear their driveway
98% of drivers forgot how to drive in the snow
The average Toronto gingerbread house is worth $870,000
43% of Toronto residents have been boycotting Hamilton their entire lives
Hamilton the musical has won ten times more awards than Hamilton the city
37% of Canadians can't believe it's already dark out
95% of Canadians are in favour of Via Rail changing its name to "Shania Train"
73% of Canadians are currently on their third Remembrance Day poppy
7 out of 10 Canadian Halloween costumes are hidden under a jacket
96% of Canadian Halloween costumes somehow incorporate gloves
0% of Canadians have read the Tim Hortons wifi terms and conditions
The average Blue Jays fan throws $21.50 worth of beer on the outfield per game
93% of residents of Toronto didn't even realize there were other cities in Canada
The difference in length between a Starbucks and Tim Hortons lineup is directly proportional to your distance from Toronto
Only 7% of Drake's thirst for Rihanna could be quenched by the entirety of Niagara Falls
Canadians spend 1/3 of their life trying to get the attention of a Canadian Tire employee
34% of Canadians saw their dad cry for the first time because of the Tragically Hip
86% of Canadians "just can't get into" an Olympics without ice
Justin Trudeau spends less money on shirts than any previous Prime Minister
Only seven Canadians love Marineland
A flight out of Edmonton is worth ten times as much as a flight into Edmonton
Canadian Tire money is now worth 10 times more than the British pound
The Toronto Raptors have brought 100 times more joy to the Air Canada Centre than the Leafs ever have
9 out of 10 Canadians need a ride to the cottage
Justin Trudeau has formed a bromance with 45% of world leaders
84% of Drake lyrics are being used as Instagram captions by your friend from high school
Drake produces 85% more beef than Alberta
35% of Torontonians are listening to the new Drake album hoping he mentions their neighbourhood
Jian Ghomeshi is 100% guilty
9 out of 10 Canadians believe that Justin Trudeau could beat Donald Trump in a boxing match
9 out of 10 Canadians have reached into a garbage can to retrieve a Roll up the Rim cup
66% of Montreal police officers are Just for Laughs: Gags actors
The phrase "vegan brunch" is googled 74,000 times per minute in the Vancouver area
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are "cute"
Six out of seven citizens are hoarding Canadian Tire money in case the economy collapses
Canada is the first Canada in history
Justin Trudeau's butt is 700% more touchable than any previous prime minister
There are 3 times more Canadian tweets about snow than there are actual snowflakes
Most popular Canadian Halloween treats:
• loose handful of poutine
• can of Beaver Buzz
• whatever is left on this Tim Hortons Gift card
10 out of 10 dads are going to drive this car straight back to Winnipeg if you kids don't settle down
100% of Canadians can catch a baseball
Your girlfriend's feet will be cold for the next seven months
The 7th most popular smell in Canada is "1990s hockey arena"
Canada's unreturned beer bottles could pay off the Greek debt
Shania Twain has worn 16 acres of denim during her lifetime
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
33% of current hip hop beefs involve a Toronto city councillor
4 out of the 5 Great Lakes thinks Superior needs to shut the hell up
100% of Canadians are here for a good time, 0% are here for a long time
83% of tears in Canada are cried by Drake
76% of favours in Canada are done for free beer
12% of the average Canadian's day is spent trying to drink the bottom of a Tim Hortons iced capp
98% of Canadian weather is an absolute joke
Use of the 🍔 emoji is up 3400% in Ottawa
Canadians spend 95% of their morning figuring out if they should wear their winter or spring coat
81% of Canadian households have a pet raccoon because it would be rude to kick him out
Tim Hortons new Dark Roast is Canada's most popular method of ingesting dirt
88% of Canadian relationships begin with a lost glove
8 out of 10 missing grandpas are found at Swiss Chalet
Burger King is now the most powerful monarch in Canada
One out of every three Canadian nightmares includes a French-speaking pineapple
55% of knife crime in Quebec is related to Just For Laughs Gags
Canada is roughly the size of one Canada
83% of Rogers customers are on the phone dealing with Rogers
4 out of 5 Canadians are like "screw it, I'm wearing shorts"
The average Canadian loses one tooth per year rolling up the rim
If two Canadians are in a foreign country, there is a 100% chance they'll meet