Why Keeping A Toxic Friend In My Life Helps Me

All my life I've been told to get rid of anything and anyone that doesn't help my future self, whether it be in terms of mental health, personal growth etc. These things and people are labeled as "toxic". I was really goof at following this advice, and for years stuck to it.

That was until I met this one girl. Let's call her, Juliet.

Juliet and I became instant friends. We were attached at the hip, and simultaneously became one person. She was exactly like me. Bubbly, outgoing, yet soft hearted. She became one of the most toxic people in my life just as fast. 

Why was she toxic? Why did I keep her in my life? Because every negative thing that came out of her mouth or every horrific thing she did to me, eventually started having an opposite effect.

At first, her words and actions were like a bitch slap across my face- sometimes it would be back handed comments like, "wow you actually look good today." They used to tear me down, and they put me in a place where I felt horrible about myself every second of the day. I became someone I couldn't even recognize in the mirror. 

This vial attitude wasn't just directed at me. Between the two of us, she was even harder on herself, and no matter how awful she was to me, I would feel even worse when she was awful to herself. I would go out of my way to make her feel better about herself. The thing was, I didn't realize what was going on. I was always like, "She's my best friend. She knows me better than anyone else."

I never blamed her., but finally, one of my friends, let's call her Maya got up the nerve to confront me about this. Of course I came to Juliet's defence. Later that night however, I started to go over this relationship of three years. Was Juliet really that toxic? Was it finally dawning on me that our relationship had been mainly one negative thing after the other?

I was out with Juliet, and once again she cursed herself. Then me. Then back to her. And I finally snapped. Through a fit of angry tears, I tore into her. Everything she had done, said, was all coming back to me.

Now, why is she still in my life? Because she is a constant reminder of the person I never want to be or the person I had turned into because of her. Slowly, I started to return to the bubbly, fun person I was. I am. She allows for me to challenge myself in the best ways, and to grow into a better human each day. Anytime she radiates her negativity (which, yes is still a lot), I turn it into something positive.

I think a part of me also wants to save her. But right now, I have learned to take the bad, and find that silver lining. 

I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. Funny enough, I thank her for that.